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Diary of a Remodel By David F. La Verne, CA

A virtual tour of David’s remodeled backyard

BEFORE	AFTER

INTRODUCTION

If a man’s home is his castle, what is the backyard? His moat? That is exactly how I used to feel about my backyard before I had Jeff Kerber Pool Plastering remodel it – a moat of leaking sprinkler systems and gopher sinkholes. It was a part of our home that we mostly ignored.

When I contracted with Jeff Kerber Pool Plastering (JEFF KERBER POOL PLASTERING), I decided to create a written and photographic diary of each stage of the process since I work near my home. This was to be a personal keepsake to remind me and my family of the steps one takes during major renovation. Part of me was hoping that this would scare my wife to the point that she would never ask me to remodel anything ever again.

Another part was so I could look back and appreciate the change in my lifestyle that I expected because of a major remodel. My parties will be better. I will have better-looking friends. My barbecued food will taste restaurant quality because my grill was changed to face East. You can’t beat that combination of stained and sealed cement and good Feng Shui.

The first thing I should share with you is that I do not have a pool. Then why, you may ask, did I have JEFF KERBER POOL PLASTERING do my backyard remodel? I learned from a friend that Jeff Kerber is a general contractor that begun business plastering pools, but, over the years, has expanded his services. He is now a complete, full service remodeling company that does plumbing, decking, barbecues and so much more.

As the salesman described our options my wife’s hands were trembling as she automatically reached for her checkbook. I heard her muttering under her breath, “Fountains, barbecues, fire pits, oh my”. We were definitely not in Kansas, anymore.

I sent my photos and diary to JEFF KERBER POOL PLASTERING and they decided that my story needed to be shared with the world. So, here it is. Wait until you read about the dreaded Tiki Torches.

Work is to begin tomorrow. I find myself loitering in my yard for my few remaining pre-remodel hours reminiscing. The years I spent in this yard! There’s the patio tile I broke my back installing over a hot weekend. 46 cuts to match the curve of the poured cement! There’s the cement block I poured when I built my daughter a zip line across the yard 10 years ago. The zip line was discarded long ago but, to this day, I still can’t pull out that block from my planter! There’s the mint I planted that was so prolific it took over my entire planter. What the heck am I doing? Nuke the whole yard, for all I care! Let’s get this remodel going!

Day One:

Nuke may not have been an overstatement. The demo crew arrives bright and early, jackhammers in hand and silly grins on their faces. These are guys who enjoy destroying things for a living. Within minutes, they had plugged into every available outlet they could find and were tearing out my handiwork. It was with small private satisfaction that I soon noticed that the cement patio deck had wire reinforcement making their job a littler harder. I worked an entire weekend on that tiling! I wanted to see some sweat as they destroyed my efforts!

Day Two:

I step into my once mediocre backyard to find that it has reverted to when we originally moved in. I fondly recall those nasty letters sent by our Homeowner’s Association threatening me with fines and more nasty letters if I didn’t complete my backyard. I remember hesitating to landscape because I had gotten used to my little patch of dirt. It reminded me of mud puddles when I was a kid – you know, before video games, even Pong. Times when we were more easily entertained. Of course, threats from both the HOA and my wife convinced me to pull it together, act like an adult and build a planter.

Now, the memories come rushing back – short-lived, though, as the plumbers arrive, pipe in hand. Within seemingly minutes, trenches are dug and PVC is running amok. “Stub up,” they shout, “Stub up!” It’s like a new wave mantra. They are stubbing up for the fountain, the Tiki Torches, the Barbecue, the Firepit and the Fire/Ice Table. I fall asleep at night with “Stub up” ringing in my ears.

Day Three:

The plumbers have returned. More stubbing. More PVC. More trenching. To walk from one end of my yard to the other, requires a watchful eye and hopping like a crazed rabbit. Trenches to the left of me, trenches to the right of me. Watch out! Incoming shells from the enemy.

Sometimes, my imagination is a bit too vivid.

Day Four:

Final plumbing day. JEFF KERBER POOL PLASTERING called for inspection and plumbing passed. The trenches are being filled and equipment set. The only evidence that the plumbers were ever here is pipe and gas lines shooting up from the ground like odd, leafless growths scattered about. The yard is quiet once again, briefly.

Day Five:

A very different crew has arrived – the masons. They are different in that they don’t have silly “give me something to demo” grins nor do they frantically search for something to stub up. No, this crew is much more sedate and thoughtful. They know that what they do is not going to be hidden under dirt or hauled away. Their work product is out there for the entire world to see. They are artists. They have arrived to begin the Sistine chapel on my backyard. Hmmm. That doesn’t make sense since they are not doing a ceiling, but you get the idea.

This crew is settling in for a longer stay. They have their water bottles, lunch boxes and will soon be on a first name basis with my dog. A calmness prevails. Planning begins.

They pace the yard, reviewing the plans. They begin by spray painting dirt. Suddenly, I can visualize in reality what was only on paper! Yes, the fountain does go there! Oh my – the barbecue island will be incredible over there! And, yes, yes, the firepit will be perfect over there! I feel like rolling out my lawn chair already!

Once they are satisfied, reviewed from every angle and completed their study, the shovels appear. New trenches are dug, but these are for footings. After all, even artists need to get dirty sometimes.

Day Six:

The siege has begun. It’s magical. Each hour something new has risen from the ground. Walls for a fountain. A wing-shaped island. Planters. This may not be amazing to watch for everyone (like sane people), but I think it’s incredible. They are bringing what was only in my imagination to life!

Day Seven:

More walls.

Day Eight:

Today is forming day. For those of you who haven’t watched this type of work being done, I will explain. When you build a wall, you can either have a top cap or not. Most retaining walls do not, like the ones at the back of your yard or between you and your neighbors. But decorative planter walls, for example, can. This could simply be for looks or be extra casual seating for your guests. You can make top caps out of different materials, like pre-cast cement, brick, etc.. My wife and I elected poured-in-place cement with a Bullnose edge. We learned all of this from our salesman.

To achieve this, the masons must first build a wooden form on top of the walls. They pour the cement in these forms. They must then select just the right moment to remove the wood and shape and smooth the cement. Too early and the cement will lose its shape; too late and the cement can’t be molded to the final design. In other words, top caps are the Three Bears of the cement world – has to be juuuuust riiiiight.

JEFF KERBER POOL PLASTERING’s masons have done these a few thousand times, so they formed the Top Caps juuuuuust riiiiiight!

Day Nine:

Forming, pouring, building, stuccoing, forming, pouring.

Day Ten:

Rain. No forming, pouring, building, stuccoing, forming, pouring. Bummer.

Day Eleven:

The plumbers have returned to install our brand new Tiki Torches which have finally arrived!

Now, allow me to preface this by explaining that in the entire remodel process, the ONLY thing that I was put in charge of was to purchase the Tiki Torches. That was it. So, I took my responsibility seriously. I did my due diligence by shopping on the Internet for torches from many sources. I made an executive decision and ordered the torches to be shipped from back east. I felt confident that I had made just the right choice. Are you beginning to see where I am going here? Crash and burn, my friend, crash and burn.

The plumbers installed my six Tikis and they looked like telephone poles. They didn’t look like telephone poles on the internet, mind you, but they looked like telephone poles in my backyard. It is amazing the capacity for self-delusion we are capable of as human beings. I actually stood there admiring my Tikis completely ignoring the fact that these suckers could have housed missiles when my wife returned home. Her first reaction was like a shock of cold water in my face.

“Get those monstrosities out of there,” she demanded.

“What? You don’t like them?” I feigned surprise.

By now, The Guys had stopped working and were watching us with amusement.

“Are you expecting another Cuban Missile Crisis?” she asked sarcastically. “If not, get rid of those torches.”

At this moment, I faintly recalled Francisco, the Foreman of The Guys, offering me the same advice, but much more politely. “Do you think, David, that maybe those torches are just a little too big?” As I locked eyes with him, I could have sworn that “I told you so” fell from his lips, but I chose to ignore it.

The torches are history.

Day Twelve:

Rain. I miss my torches.

Day Thirteen:

The final touches are completed and we are ready for the forming in preparation of the deck. Now, here is where things get interesting. I have a vision. My vision is a deck unlike other decks. I want a river. I want multi-color. I want pizzazz!

Yes, the drawing shows my plan, but sometimes you just have to see it on the ground. Out comes the spray paint. Mike, Jeff’s Director of Operations, Francisco, the “I told you so” Foreman and I are spraying like mad. Half-crouched, skittering around like mad cockroaches, we outline my river. Erasing spray paint on dirt is not very difficult. Just use your shoe. We erased, we sprayed, we erased, we sprayed.

Finally! We got it. Just perfect. They looked at the ground. They looked at me. I felt a pinprick of sweat form on the back of my neck awaiting their verdict. Was this going to be another Tiki Torch disaster? No! They smile with approval! My vision will soon become reality.

I leave them forming.

Day Fourteen:

No work – the cement trucks have been scheduled for the following day. I use this opportunity to pretend to barbecue on my new grill. I was literally flipping imaginary burgers conversing to imaginary guests.

I really need this yard to be done soon.

Day Fifteen & Sixteen:

It was explained to me that due to the amount of cement being poured, it had to be done in two days.

There is something fascinating about watching cement being poured and smoothed. It’s like watching huge equipment digging a hole. Okay, it’s a man thing. When we work behind a desk all day, we like the occasional escape to watch building stuff. I admit it.

By the end of the second day, all the cement has been poured and formed. Incredible.

Day Seventeen & Eighteen:

Cement is curing. Kind of like watching grass grow.

Day Nineteen:

The tiling has begun! This is when we can really get an idea of the ultimate look. The guys (JEFF KERBER POOL PLASTERING’s masons are no longer “the masons” – now, they are “the guys” – part of the family) are really showing their skills. They cut and tile around curves, diamond set, inserts, toe kicks and more. They work as well with porcelain tile as they do with the granite on top of the barbecue.

Day Forty One:

A two man crew has returned to stain the cured cement. The staining stage will change the entire look of the yard. This is make it or break it time. I’m tense.

Day Forty Two:

The crew returns to spray the secondary release color – this give the cement a two-toned antiqued look. It dries in minutes.

During this final process I have purposely closed all curtains in the house overlooking the yard and have exacted a promise from my wife not to peek outside until I can unveil the final product.

I am nervous.

I remind her that the Tikis are still gone, hoping to elevate her mood.

I open the doors! She is stunned. Not a sound, not a word. Is she overwhelmed with the beauty or shocked by my bold vision?

“It is absolutely gorgeous,” she breathes. I begin to breathe again, too.

Thank you, Jeff Kerber Pool Plastering. You did a fantastic job!

By the way, I have some slightly used Tiki Torches for sale, if you are interested.